Work has Become Too Much

I work at a University.  I am an Admin. Assistant & the Receptionist.  There are two IT people, one undergrad adviser, a Grad liaison, and the Chair's Secretary.  WE are the entire staff.   There are 34 full tenured faculty, 60 Grad students that also teach for us, and about 25 adjuncts that we assist.  The IT assist all these people with computer related problems.  The Undergrad adviser generally helps enroll undergrads, creates the schedules for all English courses & helps with a few awards ceremonies.  The Grad Liaison builds the Graduate teaching schedules with the help of the FYC Department.  She assists all 60 Grad students with getting their schedules, both classes they take & classes they teach, as well as their payroll & travel reimbursement for conferences.  That's a whole lot of work for one person.  An insane amount of work.  The chair's secretary, oversees budget for the department as well as travel reimbursement & purchase reimbursement for the entire faculty.  She does payroll for staff.  She also assists the chair in meetings.

Then there's me.  I answer phones, and direct students looking for anything you can imagine.  I do this while trying to make copies for all 119 people, summarizing capstone surveys from over 40 students, some travel, scanning ALL our paperwork, ordering any supplies anyone needs, scheduling rooms for special events, running stuff over to the bursar's office, all the office filing, calling in any repairs that need made or reporting heat & air problems, the mail, answering e-mails, sorting invoices, running up & down stairs to hang signs that say they are not going to make their classes or office hours etc., etc.  I assist all 119 people with daily needs, wants, questions, etc.

Every single person, minus one or two, literally, one or two, think I have nothing better to do than be their personal secretary.  Now, I will admit, I do get online & FB or post a blog now & then.  All to simply keep my sanity.  I am allowed two 15 minute breaks & a lunch break.  I seriously doubt I waste any more time than that.

The problem comes when I try & tell these people that I cannot do things for them.  I am not paid to write their Vita.  I am not paid to do specialty book orders for them.  I am not paid to fill out their forms.  Not their book adoption forms, not their awards committee forms, none of their forms.  I am not here to hang things in their office or move furniture for them.  I am not responsible for e-mailing their students or accepting their students papers in my office.  I believe there is even a LAW about that last one.  I know that other Departments are not like this.  I know Admin. Assistants in other Departments as well as Professors.  They are always horrified by my stories.

Recently I had a Professor want to do this complicated specialty order for textbooks that she had worked out with some publisher that she is friends with.  She e-mailed me this e-mail conversation between her and some guy named Justin & asked me to do all this stuff with it & contact the bookstore & all kinds of complicated back & forth stuff.  NOT MY JOB.  My job with book adoptions is to make sure that their form that they fill out makes it to the bookstore.  The end.  That is supposed to be my extent of contact with book orders.  If the bookstore has a problem, they can contact me & I can put them in touch with the Professor.  That's it.  So, I e-mail the Professor this e-mail:

Hello,

You will need to contact the bookstore & see if this is even a 
possibility. Their e-mail is XXXtxt@XXX.XXXXtt.com  Their phone # is 325-XXXX.

Thanks,

Jen

I went back to my word document & summarizing capstone surveys.  It seemed logical to me that I didn't need to be involved in this.  First, it wasn't my JOB and second relaying messages usually ends up in some sort of mix-up or confusion.  I thought passing along the e-mail & phone # was pretty nice.  She could talk directly to the people she needed to to get exactly what she needed.  Oh, and did I mention that doing specialty book orders was NOT my job?  

Apparently, she didn't understand my kindness in giving her the contact info.  I got this e-mail back:

"You have the contacts there, and ordering books for classes is 

part of your job, Jen. So I would appreciate it, if you could take care of it."

Wow.  Now let me tell you a story about this lady.  A story about embezzling & mis-use of Department funds.  A story of a woman who used to chair a Department at a large University, but was made to step down after finding she was embezzling.  THIS woman was telling me what MY job was.  I find that frustratingly ironic.

I didn't respond. I was trying to calm down & understand. Then a second e-mail showed up:

"ps: I think that all that is involved is for you to contact the 
bookstore/s and arrange to send them a revised version of your order for the 18C class, with 3 ISBNs on it instead of 9 --possibly with Jxxx's email attached. If they don't have it on an order from you, as the dept representative, it won't happen. Since this will mean their processing 3 items instead of 9, therefore less work for them, I can't see why they would mind. And we are all here to help students."

See how she managed to slump responsibility from herself to me?  It's no longer HER book order, but MY book order.  Except, it's not MY book order.  I have nothing to do with anything she is talking about up there.  What she "thinks" is involved & what is actually involved are not at all the same.  It is not MY job to revise HER book order.  She made this deal with a publisher BEFORE contacting the bookstore.  How are back door deals with publishers MY job?  Did I mention this woman almost lost her job for embezzling from the University?

So I don't respond.  I contact my chair & his answer is to forward the e-mail to the bookstore.  He doesn't back me up.  He doesn't tell this woman that it ISN'T my job.  He agrees with me in person, but does nothing to help prevent this sort of thing in the future.  This happens a lot.  He is absolutely afraid of confrontation.  He runs away.  Tries to placate.  In the process he undermines his staff & allows for his faculty to believe we are their special personal assistants.  We are not.

It is not possible for me to help that many people with everything they want.  It IS possible for me to keep an even pace & do the work that is actually assigned to my position.  Unfortunately what my job is & what these people think my job is are two different things & I am sick to death of trying to explain things.  I am sick to death of the hatefulness I get from these people every single day.

I cannot finish anything.  I cannot please anyone.  I have no sense of accomplishment & am very tired of being talked down to & told that I need to do my job, when I go out of my way to help more than I am paid to do now.  I have great work ethic & always try to do my very best.  I am told I do very good work by several people, but it is hard to feel that is true when you have people being so very mean to you on a daily basis & treating you like you are an idiot.  I have never been treated as poorly as I am here in the higher education system.  

I go home & cry.  I go home & pass out from exhaustion. My self-esteem is shattered day after day.  As hard as I try, I feel like my life & my job are pointless.  It's just too much. 

Gender is a Myth

My partner received her B.A. in Anthropology. Anthropology is pretty fascinating. Anthropologist are beginning to understand some of the same things that modern psychiatrists are. Gender, as we know it, is a lie. It is a human made construct enforced on people by those in charge in an effort to categorize & control. Maybe not consciously all the time, but nonetheless it has been done. Gender is also not as old as we thought. It is, in fact, rather a new concept. It is not static either. It changes due to economic & societal changes. There are NO constants. None.

For example, Fidela Fouche writes: "Since gender - as opposed to sex, a biological given - is by definition the meaning given to femaleness and maleness, 'being a woman' and 'being a man' will necessarily vary from one social context to another. Elizabeth Spelman expresses the difference between sex and gender as follows: 'Women are what females of the human species become, or are supposed to become, through
learning how to think, act, or live in certain ways. What females in one society
learn about how to think, act and live can differ enormously from what females
in another society learn; in fact ...there can be very significant differences within
a given society' (Spelman, 1991:134)."

Think about that for a moment. Let it sink in.

Now, imagine going to a Viking village and asking a Viking male what makes his wife a woman. He would have absolutely no understanding of gender. Most likely he would look at you quizzically & say something like, "She bears children." Even still, Vikings would know that some women don't. So he might mention her anatomy, which is NOT gender, but sex.

Anthropologists are constantly uncovering grave site after grave site with men & women, dressed the same & with the same artifacts. The only way they can determine that one is a female & another a male is to sex the body. There is nothing to prove gender even existed. It was not part of the social construct of this particular area or time as far as we can tell.

Gender really came into play once humans settled & kingdoms, chiefdoms, governments needed more population & then when things began to be industrialized. At that time it sort of worked. However, it did oppress those who did not fit into the roles being enforced. Some women do not wish to stay home & care for children. Some do. Some men do, but still, in our time, those men who do are consider somehow effeminate or "girly". Women who do not wish to care for children & pursue careers are considered masculine or manly & often times queer. This is new. This is not something that would have occurred to ancient peoples.  This is not something that would have occurred even a couple hundred years ago in some areas.

Part of our problem today is that too many people believe & enforce the gender myth. The people in charge as well as those trying to struggle through. Life is often times made more difficult because of gender labeling. If we, as a people, could let go of the gender idea & simply see each other as humans, each with individual needs & wants rather than looking at gender as any sort of real indicator of masculinity or femininity it would help.

Think about this. What if you were a male & all your life wished to have children & had dreamed of staying home & raising them? You then marry a woman who, simply because she was female & her teaching told her that it was her role, expected to stay home with the children. Now, she doesn't really want to, and would love to pursue her love of custom furniture building, but has this nagging feeling that doing so somehow makes her less of a woman. Not only that, but other women tell her that. They also call her husband's masculinity into question because of his desires. We now have completely unnecessary conflict due to an outdated social construct.

There is absolutely NOTHING gender specific about building furniture. There is also nothing gender specific about raising children. However, most of us have been taught just the opposite. The only way this couple will remain married is if they are indeed secure in themselves & decide to disregard what they have been taught.

Many people in the United States feel that we are failing as a country. They feel that we have somehow lost our values. From my perspective, we have not. It has nothing to do with values & everything to do with the gender myth. The social construct of gender set up in the 20th Century does not work today. Many are trying to revert as deeply back to what they think the world was like as they can. What they think existed, simply did not. My Grandmother held a job most of her life despite the fact that I was taught that women did not work. Women stayed home & raised children. My Grandmother is 82. She did raise her children with the help of her husband. It was a team effort.

Both my Mother & Father cooked. My Dad absolutely loved cooking & would get very creative. Both of my parents worked. My father also was very crafty. He was always creating something, whether it be stained glass, violet pots, or Christmas ornaments. Not typically manly endeavors.  My Mother mowed the lawn sometimes.

When my brother was small he wanted a Barbie. My Father flipped out. I found this odd, even when I was small. It was just a piece of plastic. My Father however, looked at it as a gender specific piece of plastic. He was the only one in the family that saw it that way. My Brother got his Barbie. It didn't inflict any harm on him at all. That female shaped piece of plastic did not influence his masculine outcome in the least. Imagine that.

It seems to me that the United States seems to be in a Gender Hysteria. The majority of people assign gender to all sorts of things. Food, clothing, colors, activities, animal ownership & more. How many times have you heard that girls like horses & dogs are a mans best friend? Meaning horses are feminine & dogs are somehow masculine, despite the animals sex. See how silly this all is? And pointless? It's nothing more than an illusion. Don't buy into it.

Nothing you choose to like makes you masculine or feminine. No color, animal, piece of clothing, hobby or anything else can give you masculinity or femininity. A burly man in a skirt is no more feminine than he is in pants. The skirt doesn't somehow make him girly, only people's perceptions of him change because of what they have been taught. The truth is, he is the same.

Jesus Christ wore a dress his whole life.  Don't get mad.  He did.  They called it a robe, but let's look at this robe garment.  What is it?  A long open piece of cloth that has two sleeves.  It was certainly NOT pants. Jesus didn't do anything in the Bible that could be construed as "manly" other than that one time when he got angry in the Temple.  Of course getting mad over doves isn't really particularly "manly".  I mean, if we really want to play along the lines of these antiquated Gender roles in our society.  He was rather kissy too.  Always kissing men & women & holding hands & telling everyone to love each other.  That definitely isn't what our antiquated gender roles would considered manly.

However, there are pastors out there right now telling their congregations to punch their sons if they ever put on a dress.  There are pastors calling for corrective rape of lesbian daughters if they won't change their ways.  Each one including some outlandish claim that mowing lawns, playing sports, & doing "masculine" tasks somehow made these women gay, and owning barbies or putting on make-up or dresses made these men queer.

These people cannot think past the end of their noses.  They truly believe that non-living material objects have a gender.  That plastic can have a gender. That certain smells have a gender.  That a task, doing something, like picking your nose, can have a gender and that if the wrong gender does the wrong task or buys the wrong piece of plastic or wears the wrong article of clothing, that this will confuse their gender and lead to homosexuality.  Do you see how INSANE that is?  It's nuts!!!  Absolutely INSANE!  There is no way that this is possible.  People that tell you this is truth, are disturbed or complete idiots.

Voices

Quite reflection brings dread,
Failure,
Tears & anger.

I find myself avoiding what I love.
But to what purpose?
What end?

It's like self torture,
yet I have no idea how to stop.

I want so badly to be one with the universe again,
but I stop myself to do nothing instead.

Hours wasted away,
as my soul longs for so much more.

I remember the feel of the brush against the canvas.
The smell that permeates the room,
as I lose myself & surrender to whatever power it is
that moves through people
and creates.

I long for that.
Yet I keep myself confined.
Stuck.

Sometimes I hear myself screaming inside.
Pleading.
Begging to be released.

I turn on the TV  or check my Facebook and forget everything.

OMG! You are such a NERD!

Last week at work, a student that teaches for the Department came in to my office & we started chatting. He's a quiet fellow & I find he is generally pretty easy to talk to. I like talking to him because he talks about interesting stuff, not superficial gossipy stuff.

We are talking about reading & books & library cards & libraries & at some point, my boss comes in & inserts herself into the conversation. This is where it starts to go like most things do in my life.

The student mentions his Mom is a Librarian & I say, "Hey, I was the Library Club President in High School!"

(New York Library)

My boss, in a loud THUNDEROUS voice cuts in & says, "Oh My God, YOU ARE SUCH A BIG FREAKING NERD! Everyday I learn something unbelievable. I mean, COULD YOU GET ANY NERDIER?"

She was screaming this in my right ear. It was so loud it echoed down the hall.

You know, at 37, you sort of expect things like that to be a thing of the past. When they happen...well, you are thrown a little off guard. You think to yourself, "Really?" I wasn't sure how I felt, but it really started depressing me later. I'm not sure why. Probably because it was a reminder that my weird is never going away. That bullies will never go away. Feelings that I hadn't felt for quite a while rose up. Feelings like those in high school. Did I mention I'm in my 30's? Why is that happening?


This person reinforces a negative stereotype for me. I try not to have them, but they are there. She's a huge football person. She loves football. People that love football have always been horrible to me. THOSE people are the ones that pushed me into lockers. Them or their sisters. THOSE people are the ones that called me dyke in school. They made fun of me & bullied me. Here I am in an English Department, at a University, which you think would be devoid of such people, but no. I have one, in my face, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I realize football has nothing to do with it. I realize these people are just sad & uncomfortable people. I have yet to meet someone who absolutely LOVES football that has not been mean to me in some form or fashion. I would love to meet someone who would destroy that stereotype for me.

(I bet Nancy LOVED football. And yes, I realize how silly my statement is.)

I am constantly told how weird I am. I am constantly told what a big nerd I am.

And true though it is, at least I am the happy one. For the most part.

Pat Robertson assumes god cares about football

Christian Leader Pat Robertson weighs in on the Tebow trade:

“I think the Denver Broncos treated him shabbily,” Robertson said on the 700 Club. “He won seven games, he brought them into the playoffs, for heaven sakes. I mean, they were a nothing team. He rallied them together with spectacular last-minute passes and, you know, when they beat Buffalo -- I mean, Pittsburgh, excuse me -- it was a tremendous victory.”

Yeah, but Peyton Manning is a fairly decent replacement, right?

“Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he's been injured,” Robertson said. "If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback. And in my opinion, it would serve them right.”

Because his god cares THAT much about football. Starving children? Suffering? Not so much, but FOOTBALL...hey, now.

Expecting Everyone To Be A Friend Just Like You

Everyone is different. Everyone experiences different. All of us have moments when we could have or should have been better. Emotion can stall you. You can decide to do something, but then emotion overtakes you. I fear showing this depth of emotion to others so much that many times I just stay put. I feel & love so deeply that I'm scared to let people know. I'm afraid they will think I'm obsessed with them or too clingy or attached. I fear they will think it is some sort of weird crush or something, if I freely express the depth of my love for them. That it'll just be weird. To be clear, I am talking about friends, not partners.

Sometimes I feel an overwhelming urge to protect them. To try & fix things for them. I want to be the best friend I can for them, but many times, I end up being one of the worst because I'm afraid that they will not see my actions as genuine & will think I have an ulterior motive. Or because my fear or anxiety gets the best of me, so I don't follow through with maybe's.

So many people play games. I'm almost 100% certain the people I consider my real friends don't. I have about 10 real friends. That's pretty good. I don't play games, but I have had people think I was. They think I am ignoring them or blowing them off. It always hurts me to think that they feel that way. It seriously comes down to a lack of knowing what to say. How to start. What to do.

I don't do chit chat. I don't know how unless someone else starts. Even then it's usually me giving short direct answers. I don't gossip. I don't like to. I don't understand the point of it other than just being negative & mean & feeling insecure. I will talk about actual events, but I don't do the whole gossipy make crap up thing. So unless my friends are interested in the latest new painting by some artist they have never heard of or the new Ridley Scott movie coming out or the latest wave of Star Wars action figures or my Boss's latest wacko out reason for sick leave or the latest insane thing my Mother said to me, I don't know what to talk about.

So, I don't call.

I social network. The computer gives me the opportunity to read & make logical conversation choices. Sometimes even those fail or don't get a response, so I am not certain I am communicating in a way that lets my friends understand that I care & am making an attempt at connecting with them.

The one thing I NEVER do is expect someone to feel & be exactly like me. I never assume my friends are mad at me. I never assume that I am the center of their universe. I never assume that they are lying to me when they say they are busy. I always understand that life is busy & crazy & sometimes you just want to stay home & sleep or paint or cook or watch stupid TV in your PJ's. That's cool. It's totally okay. I never want being a friend to make people feel like they can't do what they want because they have to give me part of their time. I want my friends to want to spend time with me. I want what they want to do to be spend time with me. I want it to be something they get excited about. Not something they feel like they have to do. Not something they grumble & groan about.

I mean seriously, what kind of friend would that make me?

I think friendship is about being available & never expecting. Being happy in the moment when you are sharing & never being angry at someone because you don't feel like you get enough of them or their time. I love all of my friends. I hope they all know that my house, door & time is there for them anytime they need it. No reservations required. Of course I'm not always there, so sometimes you might need to call ahead unless your cool with doing other things if you miss me. Most of the time I would rather spend time with friends than do anything else.

Be you. Be the kind of friend & person that is unique to you. Don't let anyone else tell you how you should or shouldn't be. Don't compare yourself to others & the things they do. You are not them. And that's why I love you. Just for being you.

Love.

Things Chris said....Monday edition

The last half of last year, Chris started messaging me on FB asking me to ask him anything. Being Aspie, this was like a dream come true. So I obliged.

************************************************************************************
Chris:

Okay, ask me something, anything.

Me:

What's your favorite type of bird & why?
Who is your favorite TV villain of all time?
Did you know an Octopus has a beak & it's strong enough to crush a human Femur.
Do you notice when women DON'T wear make-up? Does not wearing make you judge a woman instantly?

Chris:

phoenix, because it's always recreating it; or in the real world, the falcon, they're just so cool. I know eagle is what every American is supposed to say, but come on, yeah they're cool and awesome, but that choice is too influenced by nationalism

Mr. Burns.

I did know an octopus has a beak, but did not know it was strong enough to crush a human femur.

I do notice when women don't wear make-up because I typically go for women who don't wear much (or any) and who look good without it. I should be able to recognize a woman when she's not wearing make up, you know. I'm more likely to see a woman in a positive light when she's not wearing (at bedtime or at home alone doesn't count).

how about you to all those questions

Me:

Bird...I like owls a whole lot. I don't think any specific owl, but owls in general. I also love Ravens. And scissortail flycatchers.

As far as TV villains, I do love Callisto from Xena. Such a sad tragic villain. Najara makes my blood boil. I'm really digging on H.G. Wells in Warehouse 13. I think her villain days might be over thought.
QUINTUS LENTULUS BATIATUS from Spartacus is a pretty damn good villian, as is ILITHYIA.

Octopi frighten me. Probably the animal I am most afraid of.

I realized not long ago that I don't notice whether or not women are wearing make-up unless they look like clowns or hookers. Like right now, I couldn't tell you of all the women I know, who wears make-up and who doesn't. However, I have come to realize that most people are extremely aware of me NOT wearing it. I am amazed at how many people feel the need to comment on the fact that I don't. Almost like they are mentioning it in case I don't know. It's very strange. It also seems to be something that most people use as a social or status gauge, which I find very bizarre. I almost guarantee every women I know is acutely aware of the fact that I do not wear make-up. Doesn't that seem strange? I bet very few could tell you my eye color.

************************************************************************************

I think my answers to my favorite TV villain are kinda lame. Except for Callisto. She's still beautifully tragic.

I'm going to run out of these soon. That makes me a little sad. I wish I had notebooks full of these question answer sessions. I wish I had written letters & received letters back. I wish I had video. There were so many ways he brought laughter & joy & acceptance to this little Aspie.

I don't think I cried yesterday. That's the first day since he died. I think his wife, whom we lovingly refer to as The Widow Maddera, was right. It's going to be okay.